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 JOKE

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martin245
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PostSubject: JOKE   Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:06 pm

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter. 
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?' 
'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly...Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?' 
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?''Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya? 
The assistant said: 'Well, no. 
'Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?' 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?' 
'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant. 
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages? 
The assistant replies: 'Because you're in a Car salesroom.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:30 pm

well very funny indeed.....................
i was wondering whether it would end up funny or not, but Laughing Laughing Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:39 pm

How about a few more jokes on here 
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:42 pm

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman with gorgeous figure, big breasts etc, waving at him.
She says "Hello"! 
He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. 
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "Oh yes, you're the father of one of my kids." 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. 
So aghast he says:- 
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
made love to on the snooker table, with all my mates watching, while you whipped my bum with WHIP???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly:-
"No, I'm your son's teacher."
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:43 pm

There was an old couple sitting in church one Sunday. 
The old lady turns to her husband and whispers ... 
'Darling I've just broken wind silently, what should I do now?'
Her husband looks at her and then replies....
'Get a new battery for your hearing aid'
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:47 pm

Morris and his wife Ester went to the local air show every year, and every year Morris would say 'Ester, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.

'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars One year Esther and Morris went to the air show, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Sun Apr 12, 2009 9:01 pm

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good
dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to
sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe
that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we
are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell
you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Sun Apr 12, 2009 9:03 pm

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That’s the
ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of
the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “The
driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell
him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Sun Apr 12, 2009 9:04 pm

hahaha I like it I like IT
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martin245
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Sun Apr 12, 2009 9:08 pm

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven 
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 

1st woman: I froze to death. 
2nd woman: How horrible! 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 

1st woman: So, what happened? 

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. 

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. 

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Sun Apr 12, 2009 9:09 pm

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, So they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. 

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. 

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. 
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' 

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' 

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' 

She replies, 'No.' 

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' 

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school ' 

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' 

His mom says, 'No.' 

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' 

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?' 

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... 

I gave him my airplane glue.'
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martin245
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Sun Apr 12, 2009 9:12 pm

This is weird, but 
Interesting! 

If you can 
Rae d this, you have a sgtrane mnid too 

Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe 
Out of 100 can. 

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what 
I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch 
At Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word 
Are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rgh it 
Pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. 
This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the 
Word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! 
If you can raed this forwrad it 


FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT
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martin245
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Sun Apr 12, 2009 9:12 pm

I COULD READ IT 
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Mon Apr 13, 2009 12:12 am

I can read the above post. but is this a joke?

martin245 wrote:
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, So they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.'
this one is also very funny lol!


Last edited by Crazy cat on Mon Apr 13, 2009 12:16 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Mon Apr 13, 2009 12:14 am

martin245 wrote:
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven 
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 

1st woman: I froze to death. 
2nd woman: How horrible! 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 

1st woman: So, what happened? 

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. 

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. 

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Mon Apr 13, 2009 4:25 am

No its  not exactly a Joke but it is wierd to be able to read this post dont you think ?
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Mon Apr 13, 2009 4:26 am

We need to ask if we can post ADULT JOKES ?
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Mon Apr 13, 2009 7:26 pm

martin245 wrote:
This is weird, but
Interesting!

If you can
Rae d this, you have a sgtrane mnid too

Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe
Out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what
I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
At Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word
Are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rgh it
Pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the
Word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
If you can raed this forwrad it


FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT

i could read it.............
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Mon Apr 13, 2009 7:28 pm

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me.
When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw
my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty,
my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look
on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:
“Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight…
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Mon Apr 13, 2009 7:35 pm

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any
surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing
to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Mon Apr 13, 2009 7:37 pm

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf
course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a
long funeral procession
on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his
golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says:
“Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.
You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were
married 35 years.”
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PostSubject: Re: JOKE   Mon Apr 13, 2009 7:47 pm

Barrack Obama was seated next to a little girl
on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said,
“Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make to America?” and he smiles.
“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why
do you suppose that is?”
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks
about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know shit?”
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PostSubject: Funny: Difference between men and women   Mon Jan 25, 2010 1:23 am

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